My mom was my role model before i even knew what that word was.
As a single child, I never felt the need to have a brother or sister. My parents always managed to pamper me, fill me up and then if I needed a companion, I had Pongo or Hannah. From what I remember of my childhood, she was filled with love, laughter, a simple happiness as everybody had a right to it. According to my father, I was slow to speak and the first word that came out was "Mom". I have always loved climbing trees since I was so small that I could cling to it. My godfather, Ian, has always helped me go from branch to branch! At home, that was it ... Dad, Mom, Pongo and Ian. He has always been a part of the family and I may have always considered him as a second dad. He probably took just as much care of me but do not undeceive himself, he will never be able to fight the only king of my heart.
Hannah, my best friend since the childhood has always been in my monkey buisness. I can only remember the time we played hide-and-seek in the ranch that belonged to her parents. I had so well hidden myself that she could not find me. The game lasted for hours but in fact it was because I could not get up from that well in which I had fallen asleep with tiredness. It was Mom who found me and I think she never tightened me as hard as that day. I did not understand what was going on.
Yes, my childhood life was full ... If you tell me that a child remembers all the fights of his parents, I would say that it's not true. Mainly big when they arrive and the one that marked me ended with the departure of my father. I never understood what was going on. All I remember is to have forgiven him right away when he came back. His absence had lasted a month, I counted the crosses on the calendar and I often cried after him during that period but Mom took me in her bed and he finally came back so everything was fine!
More than good even since they ended up getting married and I was there to witness this. Most children do not see their parents getting married and I was more than proud to have helped mom with the surprise and later strut in this beautiful dress that she had bought for the occasion and bring them the rings. Of course, it was out of the question that Pongo stayed away that day and after insisting, I managed to accomplish my purpose and he accompanied us throughout the day. Soon after, I had to face death when my friend was killed by a car. I was as inconsolable as my mother and realized that everybody could die. It has long anguish me in my childhood life, especially when I heard that my father had once again been hurt at work ...
***
The adolescence soon arrived at home. More often grumpy, to look to be pretty to go to class ... I had all kinds of friends but not always good. Hannah has always been the constant in my life. We do not talk about family there, just friendship ... We always knew we would join the same university or at least we would never be far from each other. She wanted to study law and I had two options: Become a veterinarian or follow Daddy's footsteps in the police. We always used to go horse riding twice a week. It was our little ritual, always the same way, a little break to nibble along the river...
Hannah always picked up her guitar and while the horses were resting, we made music. But this August day has changed everything for us. We were doing the same things as always, the horses were perhaps a little more nervous than usual but nothing alarming. Until Hannah's runs off and gallops across the woods. I followed to try to help my friend but when I could finally catch up, the horse was far away and Hannah was on the ground. It was the panic and I did not know what to do. She was bleeding a lot of her head because she had struck a huge stone. Apart from going back to the Ranch, I had no way of contacting anyone and I was so scared to leave her there, alone. I finally removed my jacket to put it delicately under her head. Hannah was falling asleep and I went up to my horse to find help. Hannah's parents had seen her horse come back alone and when they saw me arrive, it was clear they knew. The rescued contacted, I drove her father to her and she was taken to the hospital. I learned on arriving there with Mom that the shock had been too brutal and that she had died on the road.
My world was crumbling and I had nothing of the happy and smiling girl that I was. I started to frequent the wrong people. At Cheyenne, everyone knows each other, but as soon as there is a little novelty, it's nice to jump on it. That's how I met Elliot. New in town, he had that little air that made him crack more than one. He was cute, nice and we both started talking. We listened to music together, we walked ... If he had feelings for me, I only saw him as a friend who made my life a little lighter since Hannah. But I also needed to feel things and see people, go to parties ... It was the way I had found to exorcise that. To the detriment of my relationship with Elliot, I have been romantically engaged with a young boy from the bad neighborhood. I did not see it because I was in love and the day I got pregnant, I cut the bridges with him. When she learned it, my mother made me assume my responsibilities and the year of my 17, Eva came to embellish our lives.
Being a teenage mom is not easy and if I loved my daughter more than anything, I did not know how to do it. I always relied on my mother to guide me. If I were to have this role, I wanted to be like her. I probably did not say enough to her during this period, but I love her more than anything with my father and I promised myself to try to do things well. I've never really been gifted to show my affection since Hannah's departure. But when Eva fell ill and she had to spend time at the hospital because of pneumonia, I thought I was going to die such I was afraid that something would happen to her! I love her so much this little ray of sunshine. It's probably the only thing I've done right...
***
The presence of Eva in my life allowed me to have a purpose in life. I may have grown up before the hour but is it a bad thing? Look at her smile and tell me the opposite!
My parents are an inspiration to me. I could not give the model I took advantage of to my daughter, but she has a family, she loved and protected. I do not think she needs more ...
I started taking odd jobs during the day while Eva was at school so my parents would not take our lives to each other on their own. Even if they do it with pleasure, it's normal for me to help. They did not educate me to take advantage of others !
In 2011, I learned that my father died in service. This feeling of having a hole in the heart, of emptiness and pain soon became unbearable. Was everything going to happen like that? I do not have a good relationship with death and I feel so responsible. As if I were attracting the bad things around me. I lost my landmark, one of my pillars and I could not stand it.
On a whim, I entrust Eva to my mother and I leave. I had to leave Cheyenne and be alone. What would happen to them if they were around me ? For a year I took and gave news. It took me all the time to come back and of course my mother welcomed me with her arms wide open.
I know I should have fought for my daughter. We had been separated for a long time but I knew it was fine ... My return home was not the most pleasant. I was obsessed with the death of my father and I snoop. I know very well from who I hold this curious side and eager for answers.
I hardly ever lived at home. Outside, doing research, I ended up finding myself on the way to some people and I knew I was not far from finding truths about my father's death. After all, they had never been told about what had really happened and to content myself with a "he died in service" was not enough for me! My obsession caused more tension between my mother and me.
One evening, when I came home late, she finally confessed to me, after many cries, that Ian was responsible for my father's death. It was a shock and it was strong enough to make me understand that it would not stop there.
I wanted to, however, try to be better for Eva and for Mom. Getting out of this need for truth was not easy but I was ready to do so. Except that I had not thought that I would not be left with the opportunity. There was nothing clear about what I was discovering and if Ian had killed my father, he was stepping into the same business as the gang of Eva's father. Threats, blackmail, all that had become my daily life. If I did not do certain things, they would take my mother and take Eva from me. He wanted to get her back but he was not his father, he was nothing at all apart from violence and lying!
Eva couldn't live that! In another dispute, when I told him that it was over, that he would no longer reach me and that I would do nothing more for him, it degenerated. He had begun to walk to my house to take my daughter. I could only stop him from doing it. I was desperate to see him take my baby and I grabbed the gun in his car before holding it. I was trembling but I was not afraid. He thought that I would not dare to shoot and approached ... I pulled and he collapsed ... The police quickly alerted by the neighbors arrived and I could not say a word. I had just taken someone's life ... Even if it was to protect us, I was not allowed to ...
My mother landed when I did not have time to call her. No doubt because I was the daughter of Robert Adams ... It had helped me many times, but this time it was different. And indeed, at the verdict of the trial, after explaining my story and having the jury on my side, the judge nevertheless decided to condemn me. One year in prison is not so much for the crime I committed. But it's too much...
Being locked up, with people your father stopped, people who know who you are, it's not easy everyday. There have been fights but I have never replied. I could see my mother and my daughter but not touch them ... A look at the wrong side and the risks were big!
It was the longest year of my life. And probably the one that will have changed me the most! I can finally go home. They are there to welcome me, but I saw that Mom was pushing Eva to come to me. I can understand it, I am not the image of the perfect mother, far from it. But what I did, I did it for her ... Perhaps she will understand it one day.
***
The current life at home is not easy. To acclimatize on my return, to see my daughter being closer to my mother than to me ... It is painful but I can understand it. Sometimes my instinct tells me to run away again ... But I know I can not!
A few days ago, Mom left to settle things in a small town in Idaho. I let her say goodbye with a reassuring smile. But I was not at all. To find myself alone with Eva frightens me a lot. But these are only a few days ... We're both going to get out ... That's what I thought! Yet my daughter asks Missa for anything. How can I blame her? I try to reach my mother so that she can speak to her but it is radio silence. Nothing, not an answer, not a message or a reminder. And all of this scares me. After almost a week, I decided to pack our luggage and take Eva to Lewiston to find her.